I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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