You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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