i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
