I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
