if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
