Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
