You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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