we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
