I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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