She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
