Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
