I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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