when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
People with herpes should wear stickers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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