Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
