Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
ok first of all what the fuck
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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