you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
