I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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