I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
