if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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