you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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