don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
