You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
