just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
