I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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