It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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