Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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