you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can you bring me the toilet please
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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