i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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