checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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