i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
