Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize