I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
