I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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