I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
