If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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