just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
