goodnight i made you a song goodbye
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
