I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
