Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
