when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
