Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
