and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
