But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
