When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
