I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
