so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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