I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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