Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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