the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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