I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
