We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
