News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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