Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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