dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
