At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
