Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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