my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish my penis had a tongue
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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