I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
