then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
