yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dear god my vagina.
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